continuing the straight path

i never did take a serious retrospection on how marriage and homosexuality can co-exist inside the life of this little-no-more sam. until this blogger's advise appeared from a previous post:

"You know Ash, and this is just a suggestion, if you think your wife, and this depends on how well you know your her, is the type of person who can take the truth (eventually) from you then maybe it would do you both good if you
reveal the truth to her.

Take note also, as you are most likely well aware of, that not everyone can take the truth about a person.

It would also help if you seek help, professional that is, on how it[would] be best to tell the truth to your
wife. Again, under the premise that you strongly believe
that she'll be able to take it.

Timing might also be crucial. Should you inform her
asap? While your kid is young? When you already have several kids? When your kid/s is/are already probably married?

Apologies for my unsolicited advice. You did say you "will never say these things" to your better half. It's just that I know someone who's wife already knows and maybe because I just cant help but try to extend help that is probably not needed in the first place."

while his beliefs seem logical, rational and well regarded, it got me into a self-awareness over the weekend and ended up looking back how i managed to harmonize these two immiscible ideologies.

so here’s a summation of those thoughts. an outline of ash’s basic tenets for his social (and sexual) existence:

1. i do desire and have the same attraction for men.
i had this awareness down from my youth. it was something that i then longed and hopelessly attempted to remove. but the process only made me realize it being an inseparable part of my existence.

avowed, i took the next best strategy for something akin to a chronic, incurable condition. like diabetes or hypertension where one is either born or acquired with it, the goal is to control its symptoms and mitigate the effects. often check if it goes beyond the normal. make sure it does not progress to a complication. and living a “healthy” lifestyle, away from triggers that may aggravate the condition.

the plan appears to be working well.

caveat – calling it a disease is only used as a metaphor.

2. coming out is my own decision and mine only to make.
people may make and express their own opinions about issues, base their judgments on critical observations, even state matters of fact and logic. and i do appreciate the sincerity of people providing different perspectives into this coming out process and their creative ways into coping with it.

but no one can force, induce or influence theirs into my decision. the decision is, after all, part of my human right and a divine privilege if you go by my religion. the consequences, also mine to stand by.

and i intend to keep this secret all to myself and to a trusted few. the closet is not the best place to hide, but i do not mind staying the rest of my life in order to enjoy the things i treasure more. it is what after all life has taught me - enduring snippets of life’s sacrifices to appreciate the better of the rest it can offer.

so in order for me to maintain the secrecy, each activity that may potentially expose my covertness is a calculated process.

3. getting married was the happiest and wisest decision i have made
i did not get married out of societal or family pressures. nor to hide an inate side. nor to take it as a means to make me straight.

back during the hunting (and being hunted) stage, i never realized i would eventually march along a wedding altar. as my hunts always ended up as failures. i wasn’t the alpha nor even any of the greek-lettered male. i have my strengths but nurturing a relationship wasn’t one of them.

she started as the friend. after a few movies, food binging, dives, surfing, and out of town trips, she then became the constant companion. somebody inseparable from my psyche. until eventually, the consciousness came down stunning the heart. it wasn’t love at first sight, but rather love evoked and love sustained. like the breath of fresh air, getting married was the most natural course.

4. staying into marriage is a conscious commitment.
that’s what all books about relationships say. it is dynamic. no such thing as a honeymoon in permanence. so conflict becomes inevitable, and usually suggests that change is warranted. without the context or its resistance to change, conflict ends up becoming destructive.

this one facet of my life i’m willing to commit each day until her last. and if there’s one thing i have learned from her absence beginning last week, is that a greater part of me becomes dysfunctional without her presence. i struggle to live alone.

5. i do not seek nor inclined to create an intimate relationship apart from what i have committed, be it a girl, a guy or a gay.
i enjoy the intimacy with my wife. it’s not something we just do out of routine nor an obligation to fulfill each other’s urges but as a physical extension of our longing-ness to be within each other’s company. her constant presence is the reassurance. the closeness of her skin, a subliminal urge.

so why the rationale for a third wheel?

sex is not a pretence and an excuse. i admit, a few times images of another human form come into play during the course of having sex with the wife. and i’m no saint when it comes to this relationship.

but sex is just an urge that can be tamed according to #1.

and her love, an overflowing presence that negates the need to find another “i love you honey” in my heart.

6. lastly, i am not the victim. my wife and family will be.
my wife and family deserves a good husband and a good father. maybe even a good grandfather, but that choice is not mine but my children’s.

they say that coming out to her will be a liberating process. but to whom? only to me.

why the need for her to carry my cross? why the need to transfer this burden over to hers? there’s so much comfort in living the life we have endearingly established. why live in the truth that can ruin her life now?

yes, i know she deserves to know the truth. the same way we demand one. and as we claim that openness and honesty in one’s faults and limitations is the lifeblood of a relationship. but is this the only means to achieve the end-all of companionship?

17 comment/s:

  1. POPOY says

    its a verry hard decision to come out with your wife, gaya ng sabi mo ung burden na dinadala mo ngayon ay mapapasa sakanya.. mahirap but you have to accept the fact na once na nag out ka sakanya madaming mangyayari na bagay you should accept no what..

    1.may possibility na magkakaroon na ng ? ang trust niya sayo! reality check pag sinabing BI's gay's isip ng mga tao na may nangyari na sa Kapwa lalake... at yan ang iisipin ng asawa mo.. then the rest problem sunod sunod na yan maliban nalang if you really talk about it...

    what ever decision na gagawin mo.. isa ako sa susuporta sayo!

    Jay Vee says

    A M E N ......

    sagada na... hehehhe

    Anonymous says

    Jusme fafa.

    Anakan mo na lang ako.


    P.S. Ang taray ng entry! Kakalurkey!

    ash says

    @popoy - thanks. abangan na lang bro

    @Jay Vee - tara!

    @anonymous - isa kang tseh!!

    Cloud says

    love evoked and love sustained.

    i love that line

    very well said my friend.

    Be happy!

    Happy birthday!

    ash says

    @Cloud - Thanks!

    Brent a.k.a. yourkidatheart says

    "to order to enjoy the things i treasure more...enduring snippets of life’s sacrifices to appreciate the better of the rest it can wife and family deserves a good husband and a good father." Amen to all. :)

    With all of this world's simple complexities, sometimes all we can do is choose to do what we think and feel is best for the most important people in our life.

    I'm glad that comment made you stop, read, and reflect. ;)

    Shyet nabigatan ako bigla sa sarili kong mga sinasabi. Something light naman...

    Kudos to you Ash! Live and enjoy life! ^___^

    (totally not related: Hmm... Is "playground" something of a place where what are, in your life, real and imagined mingle in private? Just curious. :D )

    crispy basil says

    nicely done Mr. Ash..
    hats off..
    am starting to be
    more of a devotee
    than a reader..
    twas really a fine

    ash says

    @brent haha mabigat talaga bro. pero kakayanin. but hey, thanks! :) btw about the "playground", its nothing more than a mirror site where i can tinker with the settings and layout without changing the live blog.

    @crispy basil sa simbahan po yun, not in my life. but im glad it made your day :)

    cb :: 林偉文 says

    very well said. this reminds me of dexter morgan when he was pondering whether he should be a father or not. at the end of the day, this 'thing', this 'disease' is here to stay and we all have to find our own little ways to make it manageable. :D

    ash says

    @cb - who is dexter morgan? :)

    Goodboi says

    This entry makes me think the nth time around about a perspective I have made a few years back out of numerous philosophizing instances. And I say that I remain steadfast on what I truly believe in - that It is our choices in life that define us on who we really are. And we establish these through life-long commitments.

    But oftentimes, when these commitments are confronted by life challenges, we tend to rationalize and see things at a macro level, jeopardizing the nitty-gritty details that lie underneath the commitments we made.

    I know that I am in no position to give advice or comment since I haven't gone that far as yours, but allow me to ask you these:

    If you've found out accidentally the same thing with your dad, how would you feel?

    How about for someone whom you know has made a firm commitment, say a priest, who has broken his vow by doing these things on the side, how would you feel?

    And lastly, how long can you keep it as a secret to your family?

    Mr. Komplikado says

    Wow, ang honest and very inspiring post.

    Cheers to you! =)

    ash says

    @goodboi appreciate that you took time sharing your thoughts. you raise questions that are hard to answer. but there's one basic truth i have accepted: that i chosed this path not as an escape nor even to make things simpler or out of convenience. like life's choices, we enjoy, endure and learn it according to what we are faced with. we take calculated risks but there will never be an assurance of what will happen next. the possibilities you say are as possible as, say, dying over a car accident. so i like to count the possibilities of having to "live" your dreams rather than shy off out of "fear" from the consequences you have chosen.

    ash says

    Mr. Komplikado thanks :)

    Goodboi says

    But mind you man, these risks you are willing to take are not just borne by you alone - you share it with your family. And with the choices you make, you bring your child and wife along with it. So I bid you a safe and happy journey. :-)

    Anonymous says

    That is so strong of you to hold on to what you believe... Hands-down to that. But there will come a time that it'll be heavy on you that it'll destroy everything around you. Hope that does not happen to you. =)

    Amen to this post. Very nice.