bi the way

to my dear wife,

i am writing you this letter
in hope that you may not read this as mine.

three years being together
then almost four years into marriage,
i could not have wanted any way my life to end up
except to grow old with you.

i look forward to each morning
waking up and seeing you beside me.
kissing you a good day,
driving you to and from work,
and then kissing you again
before you rest through the night.

a few times, differences would enrage between us
and cause to disregard our bond
and yet we always end up taking back into each others arms.

but then there is no greater weakness
than what im about to say.

that there is another side of me
that remains hidden from all of these happiness.
an inate side concealed.

will you still love me
will you still hold me
will you still look at me and speak to me

if i say that the man you loved
is different in a different way.

that the man you kiss every night turns out
sharing his attraction to both sides.

i love you.
i cannot see you get hurt.
especially with this circumstance.

many times i have strived myself to change.

the first time i told those three words to you, i tried.
before i gave you the engagement ring, i promised.
then before we marched that wedding aisle, i vowed.
but i guess there would always be excuses.

again circumstance.

until i finally accepted
that change is something not possible with this condition.

that first night, the night when we had the first kiss,
i didnt come back home just yet.
i was out with friends until it was "all the way"
to a masseuse.

a few weeks into being engaged,
someone told me he loved me. he kissed me.
and i almost fell for him.

then as we are now living under the same roof,
i would let myself get into a similar mess again.

i once asked a friend who had the same weakness
but had the courage to end a wedding march.
and his defense,
he told me he cannot stand being a traitor.

this is what i feel now.

i feel i am betraying you.
living each day
fighting the deceit that this secret separates me.

this morning as we were making love,
i lost an erection.
you thought it was just the hangover.
then hugged me instead.
and as you were embracing me, i shed a tear.
you felt the emotion.
and you kissed me.
you then asked whats wrong.

i said, "happy mothers day. i love you."

you have forgiven me for a shortcoming you didnt know.
i let a long sigh
and closed my eyes thinking

i can never
and will never
say these things to you.

12 comment/s:

  1. Maxwell5587 says

    this is sad. made me think about certain things.

    i wish you peace of mind bro.

    twink boi says

    i share a one eyed-tear with you.

    wishing you the best.

    Jamir says

    you have a very difficult situation here..yet you try your very best to be faithful to her..and that's the bright side of it. ^_^

    just like maxwell5587 commented, i also wish you peace of mind.

    MkSurf8 says

    my! this is so heart wrenching. hope you can sort things out. ;-)

    ash says

    @maxwell5587, twinkboi, Jamir, MkSurf8: thanks for passing by! its just a passing thought and ill be ok :)

    :: cb :: says

    i like how subtle it was at the beginning but it becomes perfectly clear in the end. *big collective sigh* it's really sad.

    ash says

    @::cb:: - i hope it will always be clear. :)

    Mr. Scheez says

    I wanted to say something, but I held it back. *SIGH*

    ash says

    @Mr. Scheez - :) your choice bro

    Brent a.k.a. yourkidatheart says

    I shed half a tear drop on both eyes.

    You know Ash, and this is just a suggestion, if you think your wife, and this depends on how well you know your her, is the type of person who can take the truth (eventually) from you then maybe it would do you both good if you reveal the truth to her.

    Take note also, as you are most likely well aware of, that not everyone can take the truth about a person.

    It would also help if you seek help, professional that is, on how it owuld be best to tell the truth to your wife. Again, under the premise that you strongly believe that she'll be able to take it.

    Timing might also be crucial. Should you inform her asap? While your kid is young? When you already have several kids? When your kid/s is/are already probably married?

    Apologies for my unsolicited advice. You did say you "will never say these things" to your better half. It's just that I know someone who's wife already knows and maybe because I just cant help but try to extend help that is probably not needed in the first place.

    Gwah! Ambigat ng ganitong mga post...

    Lets all just try to live life to the best of your abilities.

    Iurico says
    This comment has been removed by the author.

    Dhon says

    Very powerful words..
    I cannot imagine what you are going through right now...

    I wish you nothing but the best!