bi the way
to my dear wife,
i am writing you this letter
in hope that you may not read this as mine.
three years being together
then almost four years into marriage,
i could not have wanted any way my life to end up
except to grow old with you.
i look forward to each morning
waking up and seeing you beside me.
kissing you a good day,
driving you to and from work,
and then kissing you again
before you rest through the night.
a few times, differences would enrage between us
and cause to disregard our bond
and yet we always end up taking back into each others arms.
but then there is no greater weakness
than what im about to say.
that there is another side of me
that remains hidden from all of these happiness.
an inate side concealed.
will you still love me
will you still hold me
will you still look at me and speak to me
if i say that the man you loved
is different in a different way.
that the man you kiss every night turns out
sharing his attraction to both sides.
i love you.
i cannot see you get hurt.
especially with this circumstance.
many times i have strived myself to change.
the first time i told those three words to you, i tried.
before i gave you the engagement ring, i promised.
then before we marched that wedding aisle, i vowed.
but i guess there would always be excuses.
until i finally accepted
that change is something not possible with this condition.
that first night, the night when we had the first kiss,
i didnt come back home just yet.
i was out with friends until it was "all the way"
to a masseuse.
a few weeks into being engaged,
someone told me he loved me. he kissed me.
and i almost fell for him.
then as we are now living under the same roof,
i would let myself get into a similar mess again.
i once asked a friend who had the same weakness
but had the courage to end a wedding march.
and his defense,
he told me he cannot stand being a traitor.
this is what i feel now.
i feel i am betraying you.
living each day
fighting the deceit that this secret separates me.
this morning as we were making love,
i lost an erection.
you thought it was just the hangover.
then hugged me instead.
and as you were embracing me, i shed a tear.
you felt the emotion.
and you kissed me.
you then asked whats wrong.
i said, "happy mothers day. i love you."
you have forgiven me for a shortcoming you didnt know.
i let a long sigh
and closed my eyes thinking
i can never
and will never
say these things to you.