1.1 on "what does it mean to be in between"

i am no master of psychoanalysis. to a self-discovered mind who realized his difference with what is acceptable, i've had my share of the coping cycle of denial, anger, bargaining and depression. and acceptance, which up to this point i claim to fairly acknowledge to myself. but acknowledging to others is a different perspective that i cannot confidently realize.

i do not know if orientations evolve and progress but i now have enough reason to acknowledge that i belong to the archetype that considers sexual preference over both. in label terms, you can describe me as bi-sexual. sa kantong usapan, isa akong silahis.

i was born where the great divide between the yin and yang completes a circle of harmony. and growing up, it was conditioned behavior for boys to involve themselves with attraction to girls. i had nothing against chasing girls and found it even pleasantly entertaining and rewarding to be in the company of one.

but another side of myself began to grow alongside this mindset.

two earliest memories from my childhood pointed to this divergence. first, when not being fully satisfied by the absence of naked men while rummaging through a collection of playboys and penthouses from a neighbor. and second was from 'animal house', which gave me my first boob exposure in betamax. while pretending to cover our eyes by default, i recall saying that a mans frontal would complete the viewing experience. i was lucky no one at that time had the maturity to tie this to my being different.

and then there was the setting of an all boys school which i endured for eight years while into pre-puberty. this mass of young men was a social litmus for differentiating the norms for my peers.

i also recall two more vivid memories.

first was with the football elementary varsity which i belong then. training always entailed sweat, dirt and mud, thus the regulation post-shower activity. "we are all men right?" the alpha-male would first pronouce to claim exclusivity. everyone would nod with assent and then, with a sudden burst of confidence, stripped without inhibition, as if it was the most natural of all occurrences. most of us were thin, barely muscular and just about getting into our teens. the shower stalls had dividers but without the curtain and oftentimes we would share cubicles just to join in the conversation. i remember always trying not to grow an erection.

the second was my initiation to self-pleasure. this time it was an overnight camping activity with four unsupervised little sams sharing a small tent to sleep through the night. but sleep was the least of our agenda. a little alcohol laced inside our coleman jugs and some illegally loaned graphic magazine seeded the night of male bonding intimacy. it climaxed with us doing ourselves the deed all at the same time. i peaked the first out of (live) visual overload.

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