the pursuit of manhood
N.B. The first section is a nose bleed moment. skip if you must.
referring to your mental institution this patient named A-S-H, a 29 year old, male, flipino, married with one child, and middle child of three siblings, for possible management for egodystonic sexual orientation.
this patient was first seen for consult february of this year as an adult male, tall in structure, well groomed and clad in casual street clothes. according to patient, "pagod na ako maging bakla. gusto ko nang magpakalalake." mood is anxious, affect appropriate and euthymic. eye contact is sparse. patient denies any hallucination (auditory or visual) and suicidal ideations. oriented to three spheres (time, place and person), coherent, with long attention span and good abstract thinking. he claims no addiction to smoking, alcohol or drugs. no apparent delusion and racing of ideas and with circumstantial thought process. patient's insight to illness is extensive and claimed previous failure to aversion therapy. "na-aattract ako sa babae at lalake. ayaw ko na sana ma-attract sa lalake, kaso hindi ko mapigilan kahit ano gawin ko."
treatment plan - for psychotherapy and possible social integration.
what does one have to do, or have to prove, to exercise acceptance into "manhood"?
to begin with, why is there even a need to follow the process of acceptance into todays norms of religion, marriage and family.
why we have to fit ourselves in certain stereotypes to be able to carry out social roles and expectations.
why social roles are even assigned and labelled according to who or which has most.
and why not a man valued for his worth and not by his inability to be worthy one or few times around.
i am a husband. and a father. and i seek my own identity.
to some, it may be conflicting. and only a matter of time before it backfires.
but coming home early this morning, i enter my room and saw two bodies cuddled in bed - the wife and the baby.
i kissed them long and slow.
then said to myself, this manhood is worth fighting for.