the pursuit of manhood

N.B. The first section is a nose bleed moment. skip if you must.

referring to your mental institution this patient named A-S-H, a 29 year old, male, flipino, married with one child, and middle child of three siblings, for possible management for egodystonic sexual orientation.

this patient was first seen for consult february of this year as an adult male, tall in structure, well groomed and clad in casual street clothes. according to patient, "pagod na ako maging bakla. gusto ko nang magpakalalake." mood is anxious, affect appropriate and euthymic. eye contact is sparse. patient denies any hallucination (auditory or visual) and suicidal ideations. oriented to three spheres (time, place and person), coherent, with long attention span and good abstract thinking. he claims no addiction to smoking, alcohol or drugs. no apparent delusion and racing of ideas and with circumstantial thought process. patient's insight to illness is extensive and claimed previous failure to aversion therapy. "na-aattract ako sa babae at lalake. ayaw ko na sana ma-attract sa lalake, kaso hindi ko mapigilan kahit ano gawin ko."

treatment plan - for psychotherapy and possible social integration.


what does one have to do, or have to prove, to exercise acceptance into "manhood"?

to begin with, why is there even a need to follow the process of acceptance into todays norms of religion, marriage and family.
why we have to fit ourselves in certain stereotypes to be able to carry out social roles and expectations.
why social roles are even assigned and labelled according to who or which has most.
and why not a man valued for his worth and not by his inability to be worthy one or few times around.

i am a husband. and a father. and i seek my own identity.
to some, it may be conflicting. and only a matter of time before it backfires.

but coming home early this morning, i enter my room and saw two bodies cuddled in bed - the wife and the baby.

i kissed them long and slow.

then said to myself, this manhood is worth fighting for.

10 comment/s:

  1. Tristan Tan says

    This post is so moving. Sigh. Oh and just because the word verification says latte, you wanna meet up for coffee one of these days? :)

    Mr. Scheez says

    You don't have to change yourself nor follow the norms and stereotypes just to be accepted. No one has to. You just have to love yourself - but not the narcissistic kind, ha? =)

    And yes, that manhood is worth fighting for. I admire you for that. =)

    Again, I stopped. I questioned. And I enjoyed reading. =)

    P.S. Sinagot mo na yung tanong ko, hehehe. =)

    Jay Vee says

    kailan ba tanungin kong
    "worth fighting for?"

    bro... nong pinasok mo yan dapat tanggap mo na pinaninindigan mo!

    saludo pa rin ako sayo... ;)

    ash says

    @tristan tan - the mind moves anyway it thinks... but translating to action is another thing. btw thanks for the invite! let me complete my psychotherapy sessions first before i delve into social integration. oh, and i only drink coffee in dire emergencies :)

    @mr. scheez - it's that "i-am-me-so-dont-force-me-to-be-like-you" cliche eh? thanks for the affirmation.

    @jay vee - hai!

    Maxwell5587 says

    because that's how it was and how it's been.

    if you're born as a boy, people expect you to play matchbox, GI joe's and toy guns, get a degree, marry a beautiful wife, start a family and get rich.

    i would like to start out a discussion on labels and stereotypes but i figured it won't fit on this tiny comment box, hahaha.

    but i salute your dedication and restraint. it's good that you have them to remind you that you're in control, not it controlling you.

    many of us can't seem to do that. ;)

    stay happy bro.

    wanderingcommuter says


    speechless, seriously.

    cb :: 林偉文 says

    i got goosebumps when i read your post. it seems like you really love your family and that enough makes manhood worth fighting for.

    at the end of the day, homosexuality is NOT a choice. it happens to seemingly random people. but it's up to us to make certain choices in life. it seems you've been making all the right ones.

    ash says

    @maxwell5587 - thanks man!

    @wanderingcommuter - was it? :)

    @::cb:: - i hope it do :)

    wanderingcommuter says

    antagal na pala ng post na ito. pero yes, i am speechless. i am actually writing a short story with your life as an inspiration... ill let you know once the project is done... hehehe!

    ash says

    i'd prefer to hear you :)
    and lemme know if i can help out in your project.