after you, then who?

"tol happy fathers day..."

was one of the last string of messages i recalled him sending. before finally obliging myself to let go and live without a six year old mobile number that kept him within reach.

to sever contact was cold turkey. his was a compulsion that's difficult to wipe away with a single swab. not with a pocketful of sunshine i thought he brought. but to insist isolation was the only escape from this indulgence. to live with more than one is too much.

where i go, when i go there
no more memory anymore
only men on distant ships
the women with them, swimming with them, to shore

i was newly married then. fresh from the marital vows committed under oath and under the catholic church. what the mouth spoke, and the hand wrote then, the mind made its own agenda.

i guess he was as confused as i was. and innocent. his actions seemed tentative and unsure, as if done for the first time. he wasn't offering any friendship, and one can surmise that from the gut. no doubt i was. and i knew i didnt know how to act. how to play the cards. it wasn't a tested formula. and the repercussions all mine to loose.

his started as a brief chat over at a local gym. which ended between passing glances at the locker room exchanging numbers. i took the first step. he didn't seem interested at first, but notheless took that now ex-mobile number.

the night progressed with endless exhanges of sms. who he was. what he has become. and the same replies came from me. well, i wasn't ready to share the whole side of me, so i made a few ambiguous statements just to protect my privacy. but he was relentless pursuing at everything he could percolate about me. the night capped with him asking a call. he was on prepaid on a student allowance so i volunteered the first hello. it's those calls you make that runs without you knowing the conversation has already ended. no time to think of something witty or wise. just the tone of a disconnecting line making you pause and realize you didn't use much of the thought process to come up as a flirtster.

his last offer was to come to my place and meet face to face once again. i just met him a couple of hours ago. lying on my hotel room bed then, i was ready to leave for manila the next day.

he seemed attractive. no doubt he was young. very young considering the age difference then. yet as he claimed he was already eighteen. i was drawn over his youthfulness. the sense of being carefree. unlike the calculated life i thought i was in.

i was planning to check out at 10AM for a mid noon flight. at eight i was ready to go down for breakfast. the first order after waking up was to check the phone. there wasn't any missed calls. nor unread messages. thirty minutes into the meal, i called him up.

where i go, when i go there
no more whispering anymore
only hymns upon your lips
a mystic wisdom, rising with them, to shore

he just woke up, out from an all night tryst with his friends. i remembered. he had his own set. but no more than that, i suppose. he said he was coming over. how long, i asked. his place was a ten minute ride. add a few more minutes for a quick shower. i told him he can shower here at my room.

i was surprised at my reply. and he? he was knocking 20 minutes then.

next part: touch me

16 comment/s:

  1. engel says

    i don't know why, but somehow i can relate to this post. like i've been there before, i just don't remember when or how.


    anteros' dominion says

    madaling sabihin ng ibang tao na ang kanilang kausap ay nagmamahal

    ang hindi nila alam, napakaliit lang ng hiblang nagtatakda ng hangganan ng pagibig at kabaliwan

    ...iyon ay sa kabila ng katotohanan na ang isa ay nagbibigay ng saya, habang ang isa naman at tunay na kaligayahan

    xtian1978ii says

    I used to have the same experience but it's the other way around. I'm single he's the one taken

    Anonymous says

    nicely put like that in a drama anthology. Welcome back, Sam!

    rudeboy says

    Ah, the thrills of a tryst.

    Haven't had that in a long time.

    Eternal Wanderer... says

    Ash: please touch me.

    you, too Rude.

    better yet, both of yo touch me at the same time.


    ash says

    we have our own first time jitter stories to tell... what's yours? ;)

    @anteros' dominion
    interesting handle. i thought anteros was "anti-eros". but it was greek for requited love all along. apple for an apple. ;)

    at first read, i thought of another thing when you said "the other way around." ha!

    im no drama king (or queen)...

    ah, no jedi nor sith to duel? :)

    @Eternal Wanderer
    find your own blade to dogfight. hahaha :)

    tiantiantian says

    im a big fan of yours, but i need time to read this new one. promise i will have all the time to read and be awed during my LONG vacay. ;)

    Wink ha? :-))

    ash says

    you have your cue. hahaha

    iurico says

    Ash - you surprise me!

    I never thought of you as someone who'd go for a twink. LOL.

    domjullian says

    parang steamy love scene lang.hehehe

    rudeboy says

    @ ash : Oh, there were. But long, long ago and in a galaxy far, far away.

    *touches Eternal Wanderer with a cattle prod*

    anteros' dominion says

    @ash, sa aking pananaw, hindi kagandahan ang hangad ng mga ganitong tao,,,kundi malabis na pagmamayabang ng kung ano mang meron sila at kung ano ang mga kayang gawin dito.

    pero sabi nga nila, ang naghahangad ng kagitna, isang salop ang nawala..

    salamat sa pagdaan

    (oo nga pala, ang totoo niyan, ang nasa isip ko nung likhain ang bagong mundong aking ginagalawan ay katulad ng nasa isip mo..anti-eros..subalit mapaglaro ang tadhana, nauwi sa terminong anteros na nuong una ay hindi ko alam ang ibig sabihin..buhay pa rin ang dati kong blog at patuloy ko pang pinupunuan ang bawat pahina...)

    Anonymous says

    Ooooohhhh... Interesting!

    Keep 'em coming, man!

    ash says

    masama ba ang mangarap? haha..
    don't tell me you are. ;)

    @domjullian @m2mtripper
    sabik! haha... its one side of me i thought i'd never do.

    long and far-reaching, eh?

    @anteros dominion
    and that other side of you i would also like to read.

    citybuoy says

    just like engel, this feels all too familiar to me too although when i had this, i was the other guy. ah, to be young and promiscuous! haha