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keeping this internal affair confined can be insurmountable at times and unexpected at its best. growing up, i previously had the assumption that being able to swing both ways would be an advantage. not in an egalitarian sense of having two in a co-equal footing but the thought of having a choice. which initially meant as a larger pot of gold to be immersed with. and that it would just be a matter of choice one can engage at in the end, the same manner as clinical as pressing an on/off switch.

which wasn't the daily reality at all.

yes, one had to choose. but at the time it was not only conventional to fit into the set shoes laid by a divine command. it was the only card laid for one to play.

when one is asked to dominate, firstly done is to pacify the rejected other. and the divergent existence is often left hanging inside the closet - with fear, seclusion and uncertainty. but with consent. as the pacified, in its utilitarian mind, finds this as the most beneficial of all reasoning.

amidst this restraint, the outward self also strives to keep pace with its own definition of normality. not at all big a task as we have grown living this concept of fundamentals. but taking that step to live a straight life, it always seemed an endless effort to put your best foot forward. all else left behind (and hidden) is considered by this utopia as a character flaw.

all this conflict with having and making a choice and the dilemma of retrospecting ones decision is just first chapter. if one is having difficulty hiding the smoke, let us just say there's also a world of smoke alarms waiting at each opportunity to sound off. being identified or getting caught is a very real possibility. with being gay, one just has to be in terms with himself. and thats it. the coming to terms and others coming to terms with his is the most difficult part. but with being bi, one has to contend further. from the purist straights and also with the purist gays who cannot consider ours a different pathology. it is a damned if you are one. and further damned for being, and either choosing, one over the other.

this is sam and ash, talking as one.